| Let's get real...
Do you know how there’s certain people in your life whom you are just dieing to talk to? Your thoughts feel like they’re going to jump out of your head, and they kinda do, when you speak with them. It seems to come naturally, just conversing with them. Having a simple discussion about anything or everything. You’re bursting at the seams, just for them… Then you’ve got the people who you feel no real connection beyond a certain vastness. They don’t interest you, they have nothing that’s pulling you toward them, nothing that grabs you and begs you to look closer at them. They’re just there and that’s all that you take them for: their ability to be in the same room as you, maybe laugh at the same jokes or talk about simple things: the how-are-you’s and the I’m-okay-how-about-yourself’s. They know who you are, but they know nothing of you. Many times, the two people involved in any sort of acquaintance don’t see each other in the same light, that’s why they remain friendly strangers. But when they see the same light, or darkness, or mystery, or depth, or whatever they’re searching for, in one another: a relationship is born. A beautiful, sweet connection.
So... I try too hard. I’m really coming to grips with this. When it comes to the junk I spoke of previously. When it comes to people. The ones I see on that higher level, I push them to see me the same way. When in reality, they just don’t. I don’t have that …thing. I tell myself that they’re not look hard enough, but it’s me. It’s solely me. They shouldn’t have to look that hard. It should just happen. But who am I? Talking all about this ‘should’…I don’t know how things ‘should’ go. All I’m familiar with is how things are and how they aren’t. Maybe that’s all I’ve got: the things I don’t deserve and the things I know are missing. I talk about this ‘they’ too. People get inside my head, they move me, and mold me, and twist me, and break me, and I can’t tell where they stop and I begin. I feel only as good as others see me. Unhealthy? Yes. This ‘they’ is one person one day, a different the next. I tell myself to stop, just stop thinking. Is it okay to love the drugs?...
“A pictures worth a thousand words.” The brilliant cliché. Today I saw a picture of you. It was so beautiful and sad. The thousands of words were no where, instead it left me completely speechless…
you have no idea how much I hate myself... |
